The Bear 100, loss and winning.
Let me just start by saying this is part race report and part confessional on some crummy things that have happened to Amber and I recently. It is going to be very personal. So if you are looking for a normal race report, don't want to hear about loss, or don't want to hear about miscarriage then I suggest you skip this post. It will be very descriptive of the race course and my state of mind while running.
The Bear 100 was to be my A race, my redemption for a bad San Diego 100 and I was looking forward to it. I had trained harder and smarter than I have ever done. I followed a training plan from
McMillan Run Club, ate a diet based heavily on
The Whole 30 program, and did the best I could to make sure I was well rested. I had two great race performances at the
TRT 55K and
Castle Peak 100K, winning both. I felt confident that I was going into The Bear strong and ready to push my body as far as it would take me.
Amber had recently come off of an amazing season of training for and completing a new
FKT of the John Muir Trail, and we had started to try our hand at getting a family started. We had lost a pregnancy last year that took a much larger emotional toll on both of us than we had expected. We felt we were both healthy and ready to try again. 2 weeks before The Bear, on our anniversary, Amber presented me with a positive pregnancy test. We were excited, we cried, we laughed and then we got nervous. We remembered last year, we hoped this was going to be different, after all most couples are able to carry a pregnancy to term after a miscarriage. Having 1 miscarriage is normal, but recurrent miscarriage happens less than 2% of the time. Amber scheduled a appoint with our OB as soon as we could get in, which was the same day we were to leave for Utah. It was going to be a long two weeks.
The day finally arrived, we got up and headed directly over to the docs. The doc asked us questions about Ambers symptoms.
"Are you nauseous?"
"Yes"
"Fatigued?"
"yes"
"Smell/food aversions?"
"Yes"
Etc etc
It seems that Amber had all the right symptoms of a normal pregnancy. We headed over for the ultra sound. Holding hands, holding breath we anxiously starred at the monitor. We saw a very small bean, too small it appeared(from what we learned last year). It turns out our bean looked to be about 5.5 weeks, not the 7.5 weeks it should have been. Not a good sign. The OB said she wanted to check us again in a week, because she has seen first ultrasounds measure small. Amber and I were deflated, mildly crushed. We knew the reality. 2 weeks is HUGE.... We came home, I said we don't have to go to Utah, maybe we should just stay home. Amber looked at me and said, "You have sacrificed too much not to race. We are going to have to spend the time doing something, it might as well be fun." I have a very smart wife. I am a very lucky man. We quickly packed the car and were off.
The race seemed to be plagued with problems, which the race directors and their dedicated crew worked diligently to surpass. First a forest fire forced the reroute of the last part of the course, this required them to plan new aid stations, right new directions, and come up with new cutoff times. Then as the race drew near the weather started to look bad. First it looked like it might rain, then it was absolutely going to rain, but not be too cold. Then it looked like cold, rain and snow. Finally with the forecasts calling for the first significant snowfall of the year, the race directors made the tough call to reroute the course once again. Final directions would be provided at the prerace meeting, but rumor had it that it would now be an out and back. I do not envy the race directors the tough decisions they had to make in the name of safety. Not just racer safety, but also volunteers and crew. There is a lot of responsibility on there shoulders. I applaud them on making the right choices and fluidly rolling with the punches.
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| Amber and I enjoying a rainbow after pre race meeting |
Thursday arrived along with Barry, my additional crew and pacer. I re-organized my drop bags to make sure they arrived at the right drop points and hemmed and hawed over what I was going to run with. I knew I was going to be in my Altra Loan Peaks, as they are great wet weather shoes. I would also start with my Ultimate Direction AK vest. Other than that I decided to make a last minute decision in the morning on gear. The three of us headed to the new prerace meeting spot(changed at the last minute due to weather). We learned the new plan for race day, chatted with other racers. There was a lot of anxiety over the weather. I was getting excited, I like technical terrain and love running in bad weather, especially snow. With meeting over we went to dinner then back to the motel for bed. I think I managed to be asleep by 9:30.
4am came quickly. I made the final choice on clothing, knicker tights, shirt, arm skins and a light jacket. In my pack I took along a last minute purchase of a 99 cent poncho. I was ready to get this party started. a quick breakfast of oatmeal and some eggs and we were off. The race start is inauspicious, every body here, you ready? 3...2...1... I heard all of this from the port-a-poty, I managed to close the door just as go was shouted. I quickly started to make my way up the field of runners. We soon turned right and started to head up hill. I had to remind my self that this was going to be a long day and I would have plenty of time to work my way up the field. My pre race plan was to try and position my self some where in the top 20-30 and work my way up slowly, aiming to run comfortable until around 100K then see what I had in me. I figured I could pull out top 10 or maybe 5 if I was lucky.
We were soon in a double file conga line, running on the Bonneville Shoreline Trail, calling out mud puddles and chatting. I found myself in a group that was going at what I felt was a good pace to keep from blowing up but keeping me toward the front. This out and back section was uneventful and a great warm up. We soon headed into the Millvill Canyon Aid station. I grabbed some fluid and gels and was back out. The trail quickly turned up and I started power hiking, swinging my arms to help keep my momentum. The road was steep and rocky. I thought this was going to be fun on the return trip. I passed some small groups of runners chatting. The rain began to come down a little harder and the temps dropped as I climbed. Out came the 99 cent poncho. Lets put this puppy to the test. I struggled to pull it over my vest, then realized I would have trouble getting to my water bottles and poles that were in my pack, so I settled on putting it under instead. Lessons learned. The rain turned to snow as I approached the top of the climb. The surrounding peaks, with the fresh snow and gold, yellow and red leaves were stunning. This is what I run for, the beauty, the adventure, and the healing of nature.
At the top the trail turned down hill and into single track. Down I went, falling into pace with three other runners. One that would I get to know pretty well over the next 80 odd miles. The trail afforded amazing views of the surrounding mountains and canyons, with the beautiful fall colors shrouded in mist, snow and rain. About 2/3 of the way down, distracted by the scenery, my right foot caught a rock and I was instantly airborne. I came down on my right arm and face. I skidded to a stop on the soft and muddy trail, the only injury to my ego. I quickly got up and kept running, brushing the mud off my face. A minute or so later I felt a branch grab my right leg and pull, almost causing another fall, a couple paces later I realized that my number had been ripped off my shorts. I pulled to the side letting two runners by and grabbed the number. I held it in my hand, intending on putting it back on at the next aid. I tried to catch the group I had been running with, but my mojo had been shaken. I struggled to find flow. I was getting frustrated, and I had to pee. Suddenly I was not having fun. I pulled to the side, peed, and replaced my number. Taking a moment to settle, I reminded my self to take it easy, this was just running. I returned to the trail. I quickly found my footing and my flow and by Latham Hollow Aid I was catching back up to the runners I had been with.
Lethal Hollow was to be my first crew point, but I was running about 15 minutes ahead of schedule and didn't see them. I grabbed some new fluids, more gels, a couple potatoes, and a fresh pair of gloves from my drop bag. I took another look around for Amber and Barry, and didn't see them. I headed off knowing I'd see them in bit. Let's get to running.
The road from Letham is smooth, rolling and easy to keep a descent pace on. I made a mental note to make sure and push on this section on the return, and to tell Barry not to let me slack here. I passed the runners I had been with on the descent here. Shortly I came through the next aid and just checked in and out as it had only been 3 miles from the last.
The trail then turned off the road and began to climb. I wound my way through amazing trees and soon found my self on a steep climb along a creek. The leaves were changing everywhere. My thoughts went to Amber, wishing she was here with me, wondering how she was doing. I had running to occupy my mind, exercise my emotions, but she just had time waiting. I started to get upset. I was sad at knowing we were again failing at becoming parents. Mad at the universe for allowing POS alcoholics, drug addicts and people who have no desire to bring up a functional member of society to keep procreating, while we, productive loving, clean, could not manage to produce. I wanted to yell at the universe that deemed this ok. I turned my anger to the trail, pushing harder than I probably should have. I didn't care. Tears streamed down my face. I was glad to be alone, in the woods. Some feeling are better not shared. My emotions propelled me to the top of the climb and into a meadow. The scenery continued to be amazing and helped to sooth my emotions. By the time I reached the next turn, onto a fire road I had settled.
The road eventually took me to a left turn for a short out and back to the Cowley Canyon Aid. I saw a runner heading out as I turned down toward the aid. I quickly refilled water and gels, grabbed some Perpetuem from my drop bag and was back out. Another runner was on his way to the aid as I left.
The road undulated for a bit then split off into some great single track. The grade turned down and was a runnable and fun section. I felt I was moving well, but had to remind myself that there was still a lot of running left and had to reign in my speed a touch, but not too much. I was again having fun. As I descended, I would occasionally catch glimpses of the runner in front of me. I pushed a little harder, trying to real him in. Soon I was turning left onto another out and back section. This time heading to Right Hand Fork Aid and my first crew point. I pulled into the aid station. The runner in front of me headed back out just as I arrived. Amber and Barry quickly saw to my needs. Amber quickly gave me a kiss and had me back on the trail. The great thing about a good crew is the way they can have you refueled, changed and back out, like a NASCAR pit crew. I hustled up the trail, soon seeing the same runner behind me and then seeing Kaci Lickteig. She is always smiling and saying good job. She looks fresh and fast, and I expected her to be passing me in the future.
I soon caught up to the runner in front of me. We began to chat. His name was Sam from Hawaii. It turned out we had met when I had crewed for Amber at Zion 100 in the spring. I knew he was fast, and wondered how well I would be able to keep up. Sam and I chatted for a bit. I asked how many people were likely in front of us. Sam said "none, we're 1 and 2." I was taken back. I was at the very front! Oh crap, I went out too fast. I stated my concerns. Sam mentioned that he had never been "chicked" before, but we both agreed that today M1 would likely not be #1. We figured that Kaci would take the over all. We agreed that to be chicked by her would be quite alright. Sam offered to let me pass, and after a few minutes of contemplation(do I belong up front? Did I go out too fast?) I decided to take a chance and go with my gut. I felt great. What do I have to loose? I chose to go for it. I decided to suffer as best as I could and see how the chips fell. I passed and soon had a gap.
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| Leaving Temple Fork |
The next aid came at the bottom of a long descent and by this time I was caught by the guy who had been behind me sense Letham Hollow. His name turned out to be Mick. Turns out Mick won this party last year in a very impressive time of 19:01. Huh, well lets see what I can do. We came into Temple Fork together, I met Amber and Barry, and Amber had me refilled and back on the trail in short order. I crossed the highway, hit the single track, figuring it was now or never, so I went for it. I tossed my original plan to start going hard at 100k. I wanted to have a good gap by the turn around hoping that it would deter a chase. So I pushed, determined to crush the hill. It turns out the hill had other plans. The dirt was muddy, slippery, sticky and steep. I remembered this climb from pacing Amber here in 2014, but it had turned into a beast with all the mud. By the midway point I was struggling, my mental fortitude flagging. What was I thinking? This is way too early. I struggled mentally the entire climb, resigned to being passed at the next turn. But I was determined to push as much as I could. This climb must suck for every one, right? I reached the top, turned left and looked back, seeing Mick just below, emerging from the trees. Damn. I pushed harder, finally hit the downhill and let it open up. By the time I hit the single track intoTony Grove I was moving well, enjoying the trail and the snow.
It was snowing pretty hard by the time I hit the aid station. Amber hooked me up with a real rain jacket, retiring my plastic poncho and some new gloves. I quickly headed back out, just as Mick was coming in. It was go time. I pushed as hard as I dared up the hill. I noted Kaci in 3rd about 6 minutes after I left the aid. She was wearing a big smile and cheering me on. Sam was only a couple minutes behind her. That only gave me about 10-15 minutes on them. I could work with that, but I was still worried about Kaci catching me. She crushed me after the river at States in 2015.
I hit the muddy section of the trail and instantly was transported to childhood, playing in mud puddles. This was awesome! I even laughed when I lost footing and ended up on my butt. I gained energy from the runners going up hill, giving me cheers, and cheering them on. This is what I love about this sport. Every one is so dang nice and supportive.
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| Rolling into Spawn Creek |
I came into Spawn Creek and picked up Barry as my pacer for the next 39 miles. That is a good friend and solid runner if they are up to the challenge of pacing for that far especially in these conditions. I was glad to have Barry and his great attitude. We chatted as we hit the single track climb out of the valley.
The trail had become a muddy, sticky un-runnable mess. We settled on hiking as fast as we could with the extra 5 Lbs of mud attached to our feet. It would have been miserable except for all the amazing people going the other way feeding us with there energy. We eventually hit the top of the single track and the climb continued on road. I managed to alternate between running and walking for the entire climb and soon we were going down again. Barry was allowing me to see the trail again threw his eyes, seeing all the beauty out there. We happy ate up the miles with conversation and awe at the landscape. We hit Right Hand Fork for the second time, grabbed lighting and some more food. I switched out my hat for a beanie(which I put in a pocket) and hit the trail. Mick passed shortly after we left and Kaci was maybe 5 minutes behind him. Looks like it going to be a race. It had stopped raining at this point and had warmed up a bit. I took off my gloves and tried to put them in my pocket, only to drop them. Barry picked them up and returned them to me. At this time I realized I had dropped my beanie. Oh well I had a hood if it got too cold. We continued on up toward Cowley Canyon, winding threw the aspens as the light faded. Our conversation turned to the subject of our attempts at parenthood. I felt the feelings of anger and sadness return. I allowed my self to share them with Barry. It turns out it is also good to share these dark thoughts. Barry was an excellent sounding board and proved himself to be a good friend. He will never know how much this time on the trail meant to me.
We pushed on, with Barry occasionally reporting no sign of pursuit. We reached the top of the climb, and I stopped to remove a rock from my shoe. I looked back at the trail and saw Mick cresting the climb. I shouted that I was wondering when he was going to catch up. I waited for a moment for him to reach me and we all started running together. I figured I'd see how long I could hang with him, and see if I could maybe save enough to reel him back in at the end. We started chatting, picking up the pace, and soon we were moving along at a good clip. Enjoying the company we all came into Cowley together and agreed to leave together. We decided to work together for a bit to put some distance on third. We worked well together. We alternated taking the lead, with Mick putting the hurt on on the uphills. We agreed that if one of us flagged then the other would go ahead.
We reached the top of the second to last climb and started the descent. I had forgotten how long and technical this section of trail was, likely due to my preoccupied state on the way out. The rain had returned, this time with serious intent. By the time we reached the bottom of the trail and the fire road I was happy I had not face planted and for once was happy to have smooth fire road.
That happiness was short lived however as we figured that those behind us would take advantage of the road and put down some fast miles. We did the same, and we were soon eating up the miles. We skipped the Richards Hollow Aid and only checked in and back out. It was a short trip to Letham Hollow and the bottom of the "last climb."
We were quick in the aid. I took only a new light and and balaclava, skipping the new warmer gloves offered by my wise wife. We scurried out of the aid and started climbing and climbing. I had not realized on the way down how long this climb was. We kept the conversation going, keeping our minds off of the dropping temps. Before long rain turned to snow, then the trees and bushes began to bend with the weight of the new snow depositing the wet cold slush on us. I began to get very cold. I lost dexterity in my hands. I mentioned how cold my hands were, and Mick offered up his gloves. Turns out he has some amazing circulation. I took him up on his offer and was soon rewarded with dry hands. Unfortunately the snow quickly turned them wet again. I began shivering, and started to push harder to keep warm. Several times I contemplated turning around, but figured that would be folly. For one I was running tied for first, secondly it would mean returning through all those snow laden trees. We pushed on, finally reaching the top. The snow here was coming down hard and there was an added bonus of a head wind(well breeze but at that point...). I attempted to open an emergency blanket, but my numb hands only managed to open the packaging and reveal about a scarf worth of the thing. So I threw it around my neck and moved on. By this point Mick had pulled ahead, moving fast to get to a lower altitude. Barry and I followed, just out of visual range. The down was worse than I had anticipated on the way out. A solid creek had formed downtime middle of the trail, and the rocks were slick and sketchy. We navigated the tricky section as quickly as we could, eventually catching up to Mick (I'm sure he was waiting a bit). After an eternity of hopscotch on a steep rocky hill, we all reached Millville Aid. We were so close, and so cold.
We stopped long enough for Barry and I to down some broth in an attempt to warm up, only to realize we just needed to keep moving. The rolling Bonneville Shoreline trail seemed to last for an eternity. We pushed as hard as we could, determined not to let anyone catch us at this point. Finally we were at the top of the neighborhood and dropped down to the finish. As we closed the last 100 meters I asked Mick if this meant we were bringing it in for a tie, and he replied "yep, congratulations on your win." We finished together in 19:33.
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| Finishing together. what a great experience. |
I was elated to finish up front, happy for the new friends I had made, and thankful for the time spent on the trail. I am thankful to Mick for working together to get it done. I don't know if I would have broken 20 hours if it weren't for running together. I am blessed to have Barry to pace, me/us. His positivity is infectious, and I am glad to call him a friend. I'm oh so lucky to call Amber my wife, crew chief, training partner and so much more. I love you more than you I ever thought possible.
I managed to run in one pare of shoes, figuring changing them would be a waist of time as the new ones would be muddy and wet in minutes. They did me right. I only had one small blister and no other issues. Altras have been a game changer for my running, and I'm glad I got turned on to them after repeated injuries.
For my feet I also have to credit slathering my feet in Desitin and wearing injinji toe socks. They may look weird, but they sure do work.
Knickers were the right call for bottoms, they kept me comfortable right up until the last summit, that we fricken cold.
At the end of the day I know Amber and I will be OK, no matter what nature has in store. We have a wonderful life and live in an amazing place. This is just a low point we have to overcome to get on to the next great thing. I am so lucky to share this life with such an amazing and loving woman.
I'm still surprised at having done so well at The Bear. Guess I do well in bad conditions.
The race directors, staff and volunteers put on an amazing race, under extraordinary conditions. I look forward to returning and running the original corse, or a reroute for that matter. This race is awesome and embodies everything I love about trail running and ultra running. Low key, great people and amazing places.
